emotions spray

should've been better

2008-11-22T18:00:00.003+07:00

ah eek deh makin lama makin ancur blog gue. kayaknya sebentar lagi blog sialan ini akan terbengkalai deh kawan2, gue semakin gapunya waktu buat ngurusin, dan gue semakin gak jago dalam urusan bermain dengan gini-ginian. so goodbye peopleeeeeeeeeeeee

so, what's with my unstopping mind? we'll figure it out later on. kalo gue buat blog baru, atau ngurusin yang ini lagi, atau apapun itu, berarti jiwa gue emang forced to share anything, any simple shits. tapi kalo enggak, yea you kno wat i min

a letter from me to you : words

2008-09-26T21:26:00.001+07:00

Oh, hello.

I thought you aren’t here yet

I prayed to God, for something special

He gave you to me, I thought it was true, I thought it was really you

Take back everything you ever said,

You never meant a word of it, you never did.

All right, maybe it was me

I was unconsciously falling for you

I am sorry, I really am.

Take the pain out of love is pretty much like kicking you out of my head

These sealed lips of mine, they were hurting you

They’re talking way too much, they’re ruining me and you

How’s yours? The lips of yours, they’re moving so damn fast

I can’t understand no more, I am talking to the wall

I am not good at pretending, am i?

Do tell me something crazy, tell me you’re in love with me

Let’s just make me happy

I am not writing to reach you, I am trying to kick you

Kick you out, out of anywhere

In this corner of my mind, believe me, you will always be here

Or at least, somewhere there

Ps: I thought I am in love with you, but I changed my mind. We’ll see if you’ll change yours

love is joking around

2008-09-20T22:20:00.001+07:00

either it's stupidity or madness, i don't know
and i don't want to know

What would you say about this

2008-07-19T21:26:00.004+07:00

Gue tiba-tiba inget sama pembicaraan gue dulu, pas liburan di jogja sama mahluk-mahluk imbisil; badar si boker duit, mutia si alaytis, bram sang bos kodok jogja, dan riski lito yang sedikit homo.

Di sore atau malem, gue lupa. kayaknya tengah malem deh, kita ngumpul di kamar si mahluk imbisil, dan ngebahas apakah uang bisa membeli segalanya. Cuma Mutia yang ngotot kalo uang gabisa beli semuanya, sedangkan sisanya juga ngotot uang jelas bisa beli apa aja. kalo badar sih, kayaknya udah berpengalaman banget kan tuh, jadinya dia ngotot kalo uang emang bisa beli apa aja, dari kebahagiaan sampe kemalangan. uang bisa kita pake buat nyuruh orang2 musuhin satu oknum di pergaulan kita, uang bisa ngapain aja, men.

Mutia bilang, uang mungkin bisa beli kesenangan, tapi uang ga bisa beli kebahagiaan.

nah waktu itu gue belom terlalu ngeh tuh bedanya apa, dan gue juga masih agak gak peduli.
sampe kemaren, saat gue lagi ber-late-night-talk sama si kodok solmet, kita ngomongin kesenangan dan kebahagiaan. awalnya sks(si kodok solmet) ga percaya sama teori gue yang membedakan kesenangan dan kebahagiaan. lalu kita melalui perdebatan panjang. untungnya ga sampe pagi, gak kayak perdebatan2 lain yang panjang beneeer. akhirnya gue inget sama kata2 mutia di jogja dulu itu, yang semakin menyokong pendapat gue. terus akhirnya gue jelasin deh bedanya kesenangan dan kebahagiaan.

Gue ngerasa, gue setiap hari juga bisa aja ngerasa seneng, selalu malah. Tapi gak semua kesenengan itu sama dengan bahagia. Bahagia cuma bisa gue rasain di saat di mana gue ngerasa seluruh dunia sayang sama gue, di mana gue yakin gue ada di tangan yang bener, di mana gue yakin kalo orang-orang yang ada sama gue itu emang beneran orang-orang yang terbaik buat gue, orang-orang yang beneran gue tau bakalan selalu ada buat gue.

Karena rasanya beda, di saat gue seneng2 sama temen2 gue, gue mungkin cuma seneng doang.
tapi kalo gue lagi bareng sama sahabat gue, meskipun gue cuma diem di rumah sambil makan es, atau cuma ngobrol sama adek adek sepupunya sahabat gue, gue bisa ngerasain bahagia ada buat gue. i can feel how it really is exist. Sama kayak gue bareng bokap gue, meskipun cuma ngejemput bokap yang gak jadi operasi gigi, gue bahagia. lebih bahagia daripada tadi siang yang gue abisin ngalay barengan sama orang2 di skolah. okay, kalo lo gak ngerti, maap. sks juga awalnya gak ngerti.

sampe akhirnya sks mulai bisa ngebayangin rasanya, and finally he discovered what's the different, and here comes the glory. Seneng gak sih lo, gue berasa menang perdebatan, dan it just feels good, heh? hahahaha. come on, laugh people

dan akhirnya, sampe lah persoalan inti, gimana caranya ngebedain seneng sama bahagia?
gue jawabnya sih: pegangan. gue bisa bahagia di saat gue tau gue punya pegangan.

terus akhirnya gue dan sks bertekad untuk mencari apa itu sebenernya pegangan untuk bahagia, biar kita bisa selalu ada barengan kebahagiaan itu, biar dia selalu mau nemenin kita, dan gak ngebiarin kita lari dari hidup ini, gue mau pegangan itu bikin gue selalu ngadepin idup bukan cuma pake hati, tapi juga pake otak. gue mau pegangan itu bisa membantu gue menyelipkan sedikit aja kebahagiaan di semua kesenangan gue setiap harinya. gue mau semua orang di hidup gue jadi sahabat gue, jadi pegangan gue.

Darling, your head's not right

2008-07-14T19:37:00.002+07:00

Okay, gue tau ini belom terlalu malem, to do those late night talks, dude. tapi entah kenapa gue lagi pengeeen banget ngomongin sesuatu yang agak dalem aja.

barusan, hari ini nih, gue benci betulan sama mahluk yang aneh, gendut-gendut gimana gitu. men, dia cari masalah abis kayaknya. such a shame for such loser, you fucking fuck.

People may get better when they think they are
or at least when they act like they are. Hey dudes, damn it.
Boleh deh lo sok sok an jago, sok kuat. tapi emang harus ya, jadi mengorbankan orang lain?
Ah emang dasar nih sekolah tai banget. orang orang lemah yang cuma bisa di injek injek aja bisa jadi penguasa. mau nya apa.

gue tau dia gak cari masalah sama gue. tapi tunggu aja sampe dia ngapa2in di depan gue, hem. mamam deh gue bakalan mendedikasikan seluruh sisa hidup gue buat dia deh. mantab

people live their life and get old
i live my life and it wont stop. it is long, it is not old
everyone wants to live long but nobody wants to get old
i dont want to get old, i just want to live my life
forever and ever
i could be happy, i know
you could be, too as long as we are, lets live and shine

stuperpid

2008-07-08T20:33:00.003+07:00

i think i am being cool-er these days, heh? i've had this kind of headache so i couldn't put no more jokes on anything.

hell yeah, being sick is the worst scene in a movie of your life called holiday, isn't it?
imagine me covered with a super-long-t-shirt, a-super-sweater, and a pair of my super-cool-long-socks. i was so damn super. stuperpid

errrr, i am still trying to find out what in the hell was i trying to write down here
sorry, i couldn't make it. let's just have a super-cool-dinner then. with some strawberry juice, that'd be great. at least, i could pretend as a super-healthy-soup-er.

go fuck these -super-, i am still working on getting rid of it

Juno : greatest comedy

2008-06-22T22:21:00.003+07:00

here are my favourite quotes from Juno, enjoy

Bleeker : Come on, let me carry your bag.
Juno: Oh, what's another ten pounds?

Juno : Bren! You's a dick! I love it!

Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff: I'm at suicide risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno MacGuff: No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants...
Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers.
Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...
Juno MacGuff: I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.

Rollo: Well, well... If it isn't MacGuff the crime dog! Back for another test?
Juno MacGuff: I think the last one was defective. The plus sign looked more like a division sign so I remain unconvinced. [Rollo pulls the bathroom key out of reach]
Rollo: Third test today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it.
Tough Girl: [to Juno] It's really easy to tell. Is your nipples real brown?
Rollo: Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked ya up twice.
Juno MacGuff: Silencio old man! Look, I just drank my weight in Sunny-D and I gotta go pronto! Rollo: Well, you know where the lavatory is. [Juno heads towards the bathroom]
Rollo: [yells] You pay for that pee stick when you're done! Don't think it's yours just cuz ya marked it with your urine!

Rollo: So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
Juno MacGuff: I don't know. It's not seasoned yet. [grabs products]
Juno MacGuff: I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy. [shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo: That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.

Juno MacGuff: Yea, you just take Soupy-Sales to prom I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? Cause all those things, would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You're being really immature... You have no reason to be mad at me, I mean, you know, you broke MY heart. I should be royally ticked off at you. I should be really cheesed off, I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore.
Juno MacGuff: What? Cause I got bored and had sex with you and I didn't want to like marry you?
Paulie Bleeker: Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la'
Juno MacGuff: You just take Katrina Von douchebag to prom. I'm sure you two will have like a real bitchin' time
Paulie Bleeker: Well, I still have your underwear!

Juno MacGuff: As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And, I know that people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but... I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

Juno MacGuff: You should try talking to it. 'Cause, like, supposedly they can hear you even though it's all, like, ten-thousand leagues under the sea.

Juno MacGuff: [dog barking] Geez, Banana! Shut your freakin' gob, okay?!

Steve Rendazo: Hey, your book fell apart!
Juno MacGuff: Right?
Steve Rendazo: It must've looked at your face!

awesome ! LOVE IT! (pronounced as cute as Ellen Page did)

i am a cactus, remember?

2008-06-20T22:14:00.003+07:00

there was a tree that has a secret wish to be

to be like you.
yea dude, i promise you it was true
you're that kind of friend that i was looking for in the first place
i know you come and go, so do i

i wish that i was a human, so i have hands
just to hug you in moments like this
i wish i was a real creature with feelings
so i could also feel your pain, and not just stain

i wish you saw how great you were,
i don't care what you might think,
i just love you the way you are, dude

we should get into band, cause we make a good team
and i know that it's so cliche,
to tell you that everytime, i talk with you, is the new fresh day

this is going to be the best thing we've ever seen
just to be your friend, all ive got to say,
is i must have done something right

and you're all you
and your world is build by un-punctuality, mine too
and you're so healthy, in your mind

so, everybody needs a bestfriend
i am offering you one, dude
this is not a love letter
we'll start again, just be my friend :D

Candies

2008-06-20T21:57:00.004+07:00

hey, lets get away from Indonesia

i know where you wanted to be,

out of this country, huh?

i'll be your crying shoulder

i'll be the greatest buddy of your life

let's watch that you-tube-concerts all night

we'll be both out of sight

cause i like riding bike that dawn

we'll gonna ride the biggest one

we're going to shoot those morning glories we meet

i'll be your best buddy ever, i promise you

i won't even care that we're going to be left out in the middle of the rain

in front of that cuddling couple

we'll see that gallery once more

let's punch anyone that bothers us

lets be free and so damn happy

we'll get to those children and just play pocky

lets be happy, my buddy

from this distance, i couldnt bear but write this song

lets stay uplate, we're gonna live our life

you're all on my mind, perhaps i went insane

maybe it's an awesome song, maybe it's just you, the greatest fever

life is a highway, i got such ups and downs

i don't know what to say

the point is, i am sorry

ps : i love ya

this bitch, really felt silly and, you know, stupid

wish we could really get along, until the time is gone

once in a lifetime, let's try

2008-06-05T22:59:00.002+07:00

i am cool, are you?

is it real hard to be grown up?

to have just such a mature-minded fvcking brain?

that's all i wanted for, God

mungkin emang gampang (banget) untuk cuma tumbuh. makan aja tuh 4 sehat 5 sempurna. selesai deh. tapi gak segampang itu untuk ngebikin otak lo tumbuh, tumbuh dewasa dan bisa berfikir selayaknya orang dewasa. susah banget rasanya.
buat orang yang tergolong udah tau tujuan, yaitu jadi dewasa kayak gue aja masih butuh sejuta effort buat ngewujudin itu semua. dan sampe sekarang, i guess i only have reached 3 out of 100%. geela, mati aja lo nsy.

facts that i've found:

1. Dewasa itu pilihan. kalo gue sih, setiap kali gue menghadapi suatu masalah, gue selalu merasa kalau gue punya dua pilihan yang pertama kali muncul: hadapi atau hindari. dan biasanya sih, biasanya ya, gue lebih memilih untuk menghindar. okay you might call me a freaky loser, but hey i am not the only one. terus kalo udah gue hindari, then gue dihadapkan dengan pilihan lain: terus tersakiti oleh perasaan sendiri atau balik lagi ke pilihan pertama. biasanya, lagi2 biasanya, gue sih milih balik ke pilihan pertama dan mengganti options gue menjadi Hadapi, sob. and then as time goes by, gue selalu berharap kalo gue bisa membuka pikiran gue lebih luas, just like the elders did.

2. The Easiest way to forgive someone is to look into the damn world by his/her eyes. alias mengganti sudut pandang masalah kita dengan sudut pandang si pelaku kriminal (kriminal yg terjadi menurut our damn fvcking brain). dengan begitu biasanya, biasanya otak gue bisa lebih terbuka untuk menerima kesalahan dia, malah biasanya gue jadi malu sendiri, karna kalo gue jadi dia, maybe i'd do something even worse than that. watch out, people. tapi akhirnya gue menemukan kasus yang 'tidak biasa', sebuah kasus yang akhirnya memaksa gue meletakkan kata -biasanya- instead of -selalu-. sebuah kasus di mana setelah gue berfikir dan merenung dan berimajinasi se-kreatif mungkin, gue tetep aja ga pernah bisa menerima kesalahan cecunguk kriminal itu. gatau kenapa, gue selalu berfikir kalo gue jadi dia, well, honestly, i will never do that, even if i were him/her. fvck them anyway

3. The Hardest part to get into mature is Forgiving. ga perlu penjelasan, kan? Mahatma Gandhi pernah bilang sama gue: “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” tapi mau gimana lagi dong, gue juga gak ngerasa gue strong. so? what the hell should i do?

4. All we need is love, really. SEHARUSNYA, kita itu lebih banyak mencintai, bukannya berharap dicintai. harusnya kita bisa ngeliat dunia ini sebagai sebuah dunia yang indah banget, yang semua orangnya selalu baik. yang meskipun lo di jutekin, lo masih bisa sayang sama tuh orang, dengan mncoba berpikir kalo tuh orang cuma lagi pegel nahan boker. Tapi sayangnya oh sayangnya, susah betul tampaknya.

this is the world coming down on my head. eh mahatma gandhi, ga usah sotoy doangan deh lo, ajarin gue dong, what to do and how to?

photographs

2008-06-05T21:55:00.010+07:00

zoo

how cute.

they rarely put their faces on these

hey, i grew taller

yes, we always do.

we're human.

oh sorry, so you're not?

wow ! say cheese! ouch, late!

yea, we were seem so well

little us in a big big world
yea, we're so small, we're so blind

we saw ourself in a normal way, as simple as a shadow

i wish there's strokes between
i took this, they told me to

well, i wish i was also jumping, that'd be great

maybe after you're gone, let me know

2008-05-31T20:19:00.002+07:00

is it hurt to be dead?

a tale about living lives

a bed time story for those who'd really want to wake up the next day

a way to live forever, is to be remembered

here it is, the tale of a cute boy who believes in UFOs and a friend of him that was a huge fan of Greenday.

i know you're scared of death, me too.

but don't

then you could see that the world really is beautiful

Sam's favorite line might be: the way to live forever is by copy paste your brain, your mind into a disk on a computer, lets hope there's no virus breaking in

-must read ! (ways to live forever by Sally Nicholls)

misfortune abis

2008-05-24T19:33:00.002+07:00

dry2 says (7:06 PM):
ahahha
dry2 says (7:06 PM):
napa lo nsy?
dry2 says (7:07 PM):
gw jg baru sembuh dari masalah speedy
ansy says (7:07 PM):
iya nih anjing bangettttttt
dry2 says (7:07 PM):
hahahha
dry2 says (7:07 PM):
knapa??
ansy says (7:07 PM):
masa kemaren spidi anjing terkutuk babik ini baru rusak sebulan lebih
ansy says (7:07 PM):
eh tiba2 tagihan mahal
dry2 says (7:07 PM):
hah??
dry2 says (7:07 PM):
waduh
ansy says (7:07 PM):
emak gue ngomel2 ANJIIIINGGGG
dry2 says (7:07 PM):
weheheh
dry2 says (7:07 PM):
untung gw gak separah itu
dry2 says (7:08 PM):
gw cuman rusak modem doang, tp digantiin
ansy says (7:08 PM):
ah babik
dry2 says (7:08 PM):
hehehhe
dry2 says (7:08 PM):
trus gmn?
dry2 says (7:08 PM):
skrg pake apaan?
ansy says (7:08 PM):
kemaren modem gue juga rusak
dry2 says (7:09 PM):
iya gara2 mati lampu berturut2

and then she went along with her words and completely destroy my world
argh fuck. marah deh tuh emak2 tau gue make bahasa binatang gitu
gue disuruh istghfar deh, terus INTERNET GUE MAU DICABUT DEH

so long and goodbye, my insanity

i am sixteen, you're seventeen, easy

2008-05-17T23:20:00.003+07:00

cap tangan

maybe its hell outside

yeah i know you felt like a bumb

it is written and done

but you could change your mind

fuck it, you could be what you fvcking want

Say I am Gay!

2008-05-14T21:58:00.003+07:00

Tujuan hidup lo apa? gue pernah baca di suatu kertas, gue lupa apaan. katanya kalo tujuan hidup kita itu adalah untuk bahagia, itu berarti kita bodoh banget. deg abis. gue mau bahagia.

Lalu..

Ternyata bahagia itu gak bisa gue temuin, yang ada tuh gue bikin.
Sedangkan masa iya tujuan hidup lo mau lo bikin?
Kalo gue sih mikirnya tujuan hidup tuh di temuin. gimana?
dengan ngebikin hal2 yang nantinya bisa nunjukkin kita ke jalan untuk mencapai tujuan hidup itu.

Jadi, tujuan hidup gue itu lebih dari sekedar bahagia. Gue juga mau ngebahagiain orang-orang di sekitar gue, kalo perlu di seluruh dunia. biar semua orang bisa ngerasain rasanya dipeduliin, ngerasain rasanya ada yang sayang sama mereka, gue mau semua orang bisa senyum setiap hari, dan bikin dunia ini jauh lebih penuh kasih sayang.

Ketawain aja gue, kalo lo emang berasa ini lucu
gue juga suka ketawa. apalagi ngetawain elo

mungkin gue emang freak, tulisan gue serba gak nyambung.
hey, its already late at night. i am just being my self

froggy, soggy sobbing

2008-04-27T19:24:00.003+07:00

hell-o my yell-ow

lets shine lets not rewind

any silly thing we've done

the photo above was taken by ansy her self

nine aways

2008-04-07T20:57:00.002+07:00

no more ideas

i guess her life's so full of shits

no more lonely and hungry nights

filled with promblems, written, then solved

what a life without art

what a day without brain

get a life

create a piece of mind

it's lack of stories to tell,

i've got here

we fall for him

2008-03-25T21:49:00.004+07:00

we just fall, we don't know how

he's undone and unseen

but we just do

it's just a part of him

flog me off, us

what an accident

what a crush, what a day, what a boy

nice one

the photo above was taken by ansy herself

a letter to God

2008-03-21T21:34:00.003+07:00

Dear God,

i just think that i might need to talk to you about something that's been disturbing me these days. just about anything, everything and i thought that it might be a good time since it's my scarily damned birthday just about 2 hours away

I just want to thank you, my honour. for the damned great 15 years that you've given to me. every single pray, wishes and even whispers that i made, you've done those wonderful magics.
The 15 years is like heaven for me. you gave me miracles, ups and downs. thanks

it's been hardly 15 years filled with problems, but now you're here, offering me to come over another years, hopefully. all i want to have is everything that you give to me. then i realized that i am absolutely nothing without you. you gave me these hands that i used for writing, drawing, and any other shits, you gave me these feet, this great brain those animals wishing for, you gave me my life, my 15 years that lies beneath bunch of happiness. God, you're my everything.

How dare me to forget you even just a couple times? while you're there always making the best for me? While you're there planning what is best suit in me. Kick me please. give me anything i deserved. flog me off here, not there.

God, i am sorry if i am too dare to ask anymore birthday wishes, but i know you're pleased to hear me beg. i am begging you for another years full of smiles and happiness. okay maybe there's absolutely going to be some tears fall down, that's okay. but don't make it useless, please. God, i am soooo full of damn good things right now.

i am hoping for my 16, that it's going to make me a lot more mature, not anymore an underage thinking little girl. grow me up, God.

give me the pleased to split a laugh anytime
give me a reason to stay calm
give me a reason for anyone to smile
give me everything that i need, not that i want
give me the unlimited power of giving you my best

sincerely yours
P.S: I Love You

melody's exist

2008-03-06T18:10:00.003+07:00

think and drink, all these problems of our life

get it all through, i need you to

would you please name a thing,

that wouldn't mind bothering?

there's ups and downs in life

it's storming on the sea, long live for a melody

there's love to share and a pure smile to care

life's too short anyway

is it all just happiness what we're talking about?

is that even acceptable in sense?

think and drink, give a melody to sing

it's more than just a way of wasting

it's my way of loving

crazy for secret, you dumb ass

2008-03-04T20:12:00.001+07:00

what's your destination?

is it the heaven or just being a servant?

it's what it worth the mosti hate secrets more than anything

and i know i am right

Avoid secrets.

Too many secrets can create an atmosphere of mistrust.

On the other hand, sharing information shows a desire to include other people.

at least, that's what i've found on my ef text book, biatch

go find a piece of mind, though i know you're fucked up

really hate secrets, i'd kill it if only it's alive

kites are kites, we are who we are

2008-02-27T21:22:00.002+07:00

A : can't you see it? the right one got a better brain

B : yeah, and better look

C : But the other one got its own beautiful color

B : i am not seeing any, it has no more color on it anyway

well, i am seeing some

i am blind for eyes but i am not as blind as you are

babies, put some smiles on

2008-02-24T00:23:00.003+07:00

so let the love tear us apart
i've found the cure for broken heart

mereka harus tau rasanya tertawa

mereka harus tau rasanya bahagia

bukan hanya itu, ku banyak mau

ku ingin mereka mengerti

irama dunia berputar di atas kaki

biarkan mereka berlari atas diri mereka sendiri

biarkan mereka mulai meniti

sebuah hidup yang lebih hakiki

ku ingin mereka mengerti

caranya melompati bukit duri

biarkan mereka mengintip meski hanya setipis pipi

sebuah harapan dibalik terali

hindari panasnya api

takkan biarkan mereka bersedih

ku mau mereka tak berperih

ayo adik senyum sedikit lagi!

i love to see you as happy as you can be

this is not a love letter

2008-02-18T20:55:00.005+07:00

these pencils went along with the heart

they shaped it heart

they express what its feeling

i am writing this on because i want you

need a place for my own and share mine in yours

i am not trying to teach you,
i am writing to reach you

no it is not

forgotten

2008-02-18T20:32:00.002+07:00

i was looking for something perfect and not risky

something that might be called for sure and ever lasting

then he told me not to look for it or instead i'll get lost.
well i am done with this, i am lost

perfect doesn't make sense sometimes

this picture isn't perfect, but i love the way it goes wrong

you're a man. act like one

2008-02-16T10:39:00.003+07:00

don't be stupid, boy

you're growing up

don't forget what you are already know

best friends you got here, are still the best of you

i ain't coming home, i don't need that attention

but you do

go do some good choices of life

go make a time, make a life full of smiles

make it better when i am here

make it much better when she's there

you like her i know

get her and be real sometimes

grow up some muscles, make it a better way to smile

forget these problems, don't be bother to ask

ask us some questions, you might always wanted to know

hey boy. don't be stupid

think happy thoughts, though we're separated,

you got me here and you got us

please welcome the new piece of mind

ayo bestfriend, kita bisa :D

interruptions for expectations

2008-02-09T21:53:00.000+07:00

so many things are left unsaid

but you know i got it all set

for something that might not be reset

i know i have done something bad

these dreams i had

leave me behind with something i don't respect

it interrupts me everytime i slept

and kick me out of the dreams i've read

i see hopes flew something like red

then comes the time i just can't stop my step

just to see how people are going upset

i do ups and downs, we don't give a shed

banyak yang saya harapkan dari setiap senja yang datang

tak satupun bawakan harum seperti bintang

banyak kata yang terbuang

biarkan saja sang gajah membeli uang

bukan mau saya punya mimpi banyak sekali

saya cuma mau jalani hidup tanpa sesali

kadang kaki ini hendak berlari

tapi apa saya perbuat otot tak menyanggupi

maaf kalau saya jadi begini

harapan saya toh banyak di interupsi

this picture really did a good job for me

2008-02-07T14:40:00.000+07:00

dia lempar aku tinggi di atasnya

buat aku lebih berjasa, lebih berguna

biarkan saja kaki ku ada di mukanya

asalkan aku bersedia tertawa, katanya

dia bilang padaku, itu ada tandanya

ku tanya, apa boleh kita lewat sana?

dia bilang boleh saja,

ayah dan anak berjalan bersama,

hanya itu tujuannya

instead of my self, i wrote about my father

2008-02-07T13:55:00.000+07:00

i don't know if it's just me or so does everyone else here

but i think i have my other self here in my head

i don't know if i can still call it my other self, it's me anyway

banyak yang bilang gue itu ceria dan terlalu terbuka. wah mereka gak tau aja. i can be so dark inside and they don't know me yet. di rumah, bokap gue selalu menilai gue sebagai seorang sosok yang sangat merefleksikan dirinya sendiri, with somethings uncommon, thanks god. misalnya sifat gue yang sangat keras kepala dan ga pernah mau dengerin omongan orang. juga sifat arogan gue yang ga perduli sama orang lain, but my self. semua pusat pikiran dan hidup gue tuh ada di diri gue sendiri. dan mereka (keluarga gue) ga ada yang berani mengganggu semua itu. they just see me as the way i saw my self, and they (sometimes) treat me the way i want to. but sometimes, they just don't get what i wanted. dan dengan tololnya gue cuma bisa marah2 dan protes kenapa gak ada orang yang tau mau gue. padahal, dengan semua sifat gue yang sangat menarik diri dari keluarga, kalo bukan karna bokap gue yang sifatnya sama kayak gue, mungkin sekarang gue udah mati bunuh diri.

terus, gue sendiri ga ngerti kenapa gue bisa punya dua sisi yang amat berbeda kayak gini. di satu sisi, gue lebih suka sendirian dan berkutat dengan kehidupan gue yang sudah cukup mengasyikan buat gue. tapi di sisi lain, gue gak suka sendirian, gue suka ada di sekeliling orang2. well, just to have some jokes to laugh at, honestly. tapi gue sadar gue butuh surroundings.

mungkin itulah alesan2 kenapa selama ini orang ga ada yang bisa tau gue kenapa, malah gue sendiri aja bingung and dying to know. sering banget gue ngerasa dunia gue hancur, as ruined as it could be, tapi lima menit kemudian begitu nyampe sekolah gue udah ketawa2 sama temen sebangku gue ngetawain gue yang tadi pagi mandi sambil nangis. sama halnya kayak gue ngomongin seberapa kecewanya gue sama sahabat2 gue ke temen gue yang lain sambil ngelemparin jokes2 tentang mereka, yg akhirnya gue sambut dengan tawa.

ga ada emosi gue yang bisa gue tunjukkin dengan tepat. di saat gue seneng, gue malah nangis. di saat gue sedih, gue juga biasanya nangis. tapi di saat gue kecewa nampol-nampolan, biasanya gue lebih memilih untuk ketawa ngakak sampe mati instead of thinking more about it and cry.

gue emang cengeng, gue gak pungkirin itu. karna gue emang gak punya seorang pun yang bisa bikin gue ngomong semuanya ke dia tanpa dia anggep gue aneh, karna gue emang aneh banget, jalan pikiran gue aneh dan gue tau gue gak se-lovable itu makanya gue selalu menipu diri gue sendiri dengan selalu ceria di depan semua orang, padahal di setiap saat itu, mungkin aja gue abis nangis. gue nangis cuma sebagai pengganti cerita ke orang, berharap abis nangis gue puas.

satu-satunya orang yang ngerti gue ya cuma bokap gue. tapi gue tetep aja harus nemuin mood yang bener2 pas buat nyeritain semua yang gue rasain ke bokap. tapi biasanya, setiap gue udah dapet mood itu, gue lebih sering memutuskan pembicaraan sakral itu seketika cuma karna tiba2 gue ngerasa jijik sama diri gue sendiri, dan gue gak ngerti rasa itu dateng dari mana. akhirnya bokap gue cuma ngedapetin sepotong diri gue, sedangkan potongan2 lain gue biarin bokap gue nebak2 sendiri, dan hebatnya, bokap gue biasanya menemukan potongan2 lain dari diri gue yang belom gue temuin sebelumnya. itulah kenapa gue bisa nyebut bokap gue itu superhero buat hidup gue.

dia udah bikin gue, dia nge gedein gue, dia jagain gue, dia beliin gue semua yang gue mau, dia ngerti gue, dia nyekolahin gue di sekolahnya sendiri, dia ngajarin gue tentang diri gue sendiri, dan dia udah berkali2 menyelamatkan gue dari bunuh diri.

bokap gue itu bisa dibilang idup gue kali ya?

2008-02-06T19:34:00.001+07:00

is it real hard to be grown up?
to have just such a mature-minded fvcking brain?
that's all i wanted for, God

buat orang yang tergolong udah tau tujuan, yaitu jadi dewasa kayak gue aja masih butuh sejuta effort buat ngewujudin itu semua. dan sampe sekarang, i guess i only have reached 3 out of 100%. geela, mati aja lo nsy.

facts that i've found:

this is the world coming down on my head. eh mahatma gandhi, ga usah sotoy doangan deh lo, ajarin gue dong, what to do and how to?

my best friend

2008-02-05T20:37:00.000+07:00

halo, teman. lama tidak berjumpa.

kemarin bilang padaku katamu ingin mati saja?

kukira sekarang kau sudah tiada

ternyata kita masih bisa bertemu muka

sudah jam 9, mataku tak kunjung lelah

mungkin rinduku padamu yang tak mau berpisah

aku pun berjanji tak akan kalah

terima kasih sudah kembali

bawakan aku asumsi vitamin seperti tadi

perutku bilang kau baik sekali

hari ini aku tau kan tak akan pergi lagi

selama aku tau kapan harus memberi

dari saat aku lahir , kau temani ibuku

di saat aku tumbuh, kau selalu bersamaku

biarkan aku selalu bersamamu

tak mau ku dipisah waktu

tolong sampaikan pesanku pada Tuhan di langit sana
aku mau Ia selalu berada bersama kita
di sini mengarungi hidupku dengan semua tikungannya
aku mau kita selalu bersama

it's you, happiness. it's you

when it comes to letting go

2008-02-03T09:03:00.000+07:00

so, it's allright. if you change your way of thinking

we can't reclaim those shots we punch away last year

days, i spent wanting some of Kurt's art soul

i spoke with words that rhime, and hope it's speaking my mind

and probably life is great, but never real

too little space for holding on those souldiers

if it's because of me, i may well have to kill and choose the mood

is it more is it less? can't dany it's feeling

friend, we've been thinking of the shits since i am throwing melody

this is it serious, as simple as these lifes

when you punch me on the head, it's okay for me to still flow some smiles up

it's not forgotten, bitch

kick my ass if it's not a crime,

for a best friend not to say hello when they pass each other

i get sick of these language

since i am not in to any course in the fvcking surface of this moving earth

when will you go?

i've spent quite almost a month

my mouth is filled with blood from trying not to speak

please understand, this isn't just goodbye

this is i can't stand you

days that are over

we're not continue to last

this isn't working out for you or me

i live the heat for our ship that sinking down

all the friends we ever know, and all the words i know

and now they all come out too late for you to realize,

i hope you do realize someday

cause i have never seen this place.

the victim of live

2008-02-01T16:37:00.000+07:00

kurung diri sendiri, 3 hari berlalu tanpa arti

diam menjahit dua daging tipis di bawah pipi

ponsel berdering, ayah ingin diskusi

banyak hal untuk diluapkan, air tak kunjung ke tepi

dia sendiri tak mengerti sampai mana hidupnya bermimpi

harapan ada, tapi bukan untuk diyakini

terlalu mudah memancing teman, kadang menghias senyum tersendiri

she got stucked in some damn fibers,

those that she doesn't know they even exist

too reluctant to accept my help, she struggle there all alone

none of any mature-minded person she got

so much to say, no words but swearing

the loneliness building with each passing day

her heart is already broken, before i try to rebuild it

you'll never guess what's not inside

she'll talk with finger crossed

so many times she stayed at home and tell everyone she got sick

well, she's sick with her life
and everything that goes around

living her life with her family around

she found an island of her own life
leaving her love and her family behind

oh, stupid girl you need to find some piece of mind

alone in the brand new island of her mind

she lives there with trees and green grass out of guilty pleasures

she said 'let's keep talking to stop the clockwatching'

she's using her right brain, and she cum so fast

she made it to three, but she'll be dead by threes

she's feeling alone in everysingle second of this moving earth

she got bunch of friends to find something new to laugh at

but got no friends to understand any tears of her smile

think happy thoughts, girl

and don't get stupid

with love, loser

logical things

2008-01-30T19:44:00.000+07:00

my chemical romance is not that awesome, anyway

there's only few of their songs are the most played songs of my iPod

i didn't really get touched when i give those songs another listen

i only love the way they dressed, the way they act on stage

their songs don't have that much chemistry with me

i don't think they're way better than anything

i don't cry until i decided to give away the ticket for my bestest friend

my bestest friend need the damn ticket anyway, what can i say?

the day before the show, i was listening to their songs and i just don't get it

the fuckest feeling ever, was the one for Fall Out Boy

i cried a lot. a container of tears fell down

and when i thought i'll cry once more, here, on My Chemical Romance

but then i don't. such a freak

but thanks God for letting me to give away my ticket

please God, keep me save

i wish i don't cry tomorrow

the last (logically) reason for me not to get on the show is:

that my best friend cried while i am enjoying Fall Out Boy's concert last year

now it's my turn to take those tears, have fun sweet heart :)

much better to love than to be loved, i guess

2008-01-30T19:23:00.000+07:00

hello, my cutest bestfriend.

terima kasih ya buat semuanya

this ticket means nothing but my love

it's just you, make me wonder how it feels like

aku tau kok rasanya ga bisa nonton

sedih itu sudah bukan di dada lagi, ada di kepala

air mata turun tanpa basa basi

bisa di sana bisa di sini

tau tidak, kenapa kubuang begitu saja kertas tipis itu

kuberikan kepadamu?

berharap rasa terimakasih ku terbalaskan oleh itu

oleh lembaran tipis yang kau dambakan, namun tak lebih dari beberapa helai uang untukku

bila dibandingkan dengan semua jasamu, anggap saja itu dp ku

aditya yessika alana, hati-hati ya nonton mcr nya

jangan sampe ketelen orang moshing, jangan mental jauh-jauh

i love youuu

long way to heaven, sir

2008-01-27T17:48:00.001+07:00

good afternoon, autobots

it's 13:10, and you're finally gone

big holes are made here, in the earth of Indonesia

some made by sadness and others are happiness remaining

it's been hardly years for you to take the lead

terimakasih pak, sudah buat Indonesia sempat berjaya

buat kami makan tanpa dupa

tanpa bapak, kami tak ada

lain lagi bilang bapak tak pernah merasa

betapa merana kami simpan di dada

tanpa senyum hanya asap c02

belajar pun terasa hampa

terimakasih untuk tiga puluh dua tahun yang berharga

ajarkan kami rasanya berada

sehingga tau apa itu tak punya

sakit memang sakit

dengar pisau itu menusuk telinga

bawakan kami kabar layaknya gang sempit

buat kami merintih hingga diapit senja

pak harto, terimakasih atas semuanya

maafkan kami atas dosa mu

biarkan kami mengampuni, bila itu memang salahmu

yang ku tau, kau tetap pahlawanku

look at the brightside, never the dark ones. if so, you'll find nobody as bright as you.

-anonymous

buku bilang aku tak perlu tau

2008-01-27T16:50:00.000+07:00

halo, buku.
banyak aku ingin tau
tapi sanggup apa mataku, melihat wajahmu saja ku tak mampu
untung saja aku tidak bisu.
cukup teriak ku membutuhkanmu

rak itu penuh buku, malas tapi aku buka walaupun satu
bisa tidak, hanya ku lihat lalu ku tau?
bisa tidak aku teriak lalu menjadi tabu?
bilang saja kalau aku tampak sayu

aku ingin kalian semua tau
mereka bukan lagi sahabatku
mereka bilang aku bau
bau itu begitu mengganggu
bilang lagi aku itu sok tau
hanya mereka tak tau isi hatiku, betapa pilu

halo buku,
kau temani aku lewati liburan di sepi
kau dengarkan aku merintih seperti sapi
biarkan saja dia walau tidak menanggapi,
katamu jangan dibuat peduli

buku, katakan padaku siapa yang jadi
katakan padaku kapan kau peluk aku kembali
ketika si baling datang sambil membawa putih
aku tak tau dan tak mengerti
untuk apa sebenarnya aku di sini?

halo buku, biarkan aku sendiri
tapi jangan, nanti aku sedih lagi
buku, katakan lagi padaku apa yang perlu diperbaiki
jendelaku kah yang terlalu kecil bercelah?
ataukah mereka yang terlalu besar untuk membelah
mereka itu dulu sahabatku
sekarang aku tak tau
masihkah begitu?

Will God Bless All this Party with Lights and Colors tonight?

2008-01-27T16:35:00.000+07:00

I hope He will, be because I was feeling a pleasure to watch people burn their money for free as those shits. I don’t know, I was like “wow, cool” while at the moment, I saw pictures are sliding all over my mind, as they go through my memories of 2007.
Wew. It’s crazy, I think. Kayak semua yang gue udah laluin keliatan lagi, then suddenly everything went blur, and I just couldn’t stop my tears from pouring down. And that was sucks. So on, I start to avoid windows and keep my self locked in room. I just force my mind to tell my self that I have no more tears, it has been too many times since I lost it a lot, since 2007 was a great living moment for problems and shits.

But then I hear the sounds.
The sounds of those fireworks are shit, men. They keep me in my own world, the one that makes me cry a lot the whole fuckin year. And I keep remembering my days, bad ones. And I absolutely can’t walk through you with my chest raised high up to the sky and tell you that I am having such the best year of my life. I fucked that one up.
So then I am trying to get my vision out. I am trying to get my hearing off of my self. But then I fucked it all up again. I couldn’t make sure what I want, what I need and what I should do.
Weew. Such a pleasure to watch the sky’s party, with it’s own parade, made me feel a lot like loser. but I am (really) afraid that God will hate us so much that we (all) haven’t been such a god citizens, haven’t pray enough, haven’t love each other enough, and haven’t remembering Him enough to make Him love us that much. So then I know why would I cry on these stupid crazy things, it is all because I love Him so much and I can’t let my self throw a party while the others are starving and crying. I just can’t let that happen to me. Well, I Love You, God.

Ya Allah, bless me with in your power, your love and carry me wherever I go. I need You and You know that. And all I want from now on is for You to be with me whenever, wherever, and whatever happens to me. Once more time and on, I REALLY LOVE YOU A LOT, GOD. Be with me the whole 2008. give me another pleasure next year and I promise You I’ll do my best here and on. Make my country a better place to live, and forgive our sins, please.